Is it really just me?

Its my fault…. so you say.

I didn’t build the wall that is between us,

but I can’t deny that I didn’t supply some the bricks and mortar that went to its construction.

I can’t deny my faults… nor have I ever blamed you for yours.

I sit wondering is it really me?

I have used all of my might to swing that sledgehammers….. day by day.

In hopes of chipping and dreaming of breaking down that wall.

You didn’t do the same.

You did it when you felt like it…. when you were motivated to.

You blamed me for your lack of progress… but was it really just me?

Did you even want this to work because you never really tried?

You posture and pose like that’s what you wanted,

but you didn’t work like you wanted to.

You did get my bricks… my lies, my lack of communication

Yet you still received my support, my patience, and ,my acceptance.

You talk about sacrifices that you made… that were never asked for.

My love is unconditional! I accepted you for you!

Now as we stand at this precipice…. I am still eager to build a bridge to a new future,

TOGETHER.

As the twilight fades and darkness falls,

is it really me that is to blame…

or are you just not willing to realize its you as well?

For better or worse.

Till death do us part.

Is it really just me that only believes that anymore?

I thought you did…

I guess when it’s all said and done it’s really just me.

MBM

“If I should die today”

No, no, no,

This is not a cry for help.

Just the inquisitive extension of my synaptic relays.

Firing non stop…

one after another after another.

Restlessly trying to understand it all.

Would see finally see me?

With my presence being erased…

Would she regret not fully loving me?

Would a sinking in her heart be felt….

As she finally realized what she had.

 

Would the world shed a tear?

Would my life have ment anything?

Would it have ment anything to her?

Ye who let the fallacies and trivial aspects of life-

break apart true love….

break apart a bond of family…

break apart the joy that is life.

 

With my eternal slumber

would you remember the joy and happiness that we shared?

Or would live in the pain and mistakes of the past…

as you do with my every living breath?

 

As I knock on St. Peter’s door…

or wrestle Lucifer for his throne,

would the world miss-

my laugh-

my words-

my thoughts-

would it miss me… or would I have just been a figment of Gaea’s collective consciousness?

 

With this breath-

I have no answers to these questions.

With this breath-

I sample another blessing of existence.

With my death-

you should not morn…

For you squandered me, my love, my heart…

HAPPINESS,

In Life!

With this breath-

you still have a chance.

With this breath-

you still have me.

With this breath-

I inch closer to my grave.

Don’t take my next breath for granted…

It may never come.

 

MBM

Porn is not the biggest problem, but it is the most visible one.

In my opinion, porn it is just an extension of our repressed sexual desires within our Judeo-Christian based moral society. From an early age we are taught that sex and being sexual are bad. Porn is a billion dollar a year industry because sex an talking about it are taboo. Yes are a society where the President getting a BJ is more important than his domestic or foreign policy positions. Porn is the sexual outlet that allows many to express what otherwise would not or could not be expressed and the contradiction is that we live in a hyper sexualized culture that doesn’t talk or embrace sex and sexuality. This leads to problems.

This is not the 80′s or early 90′s when most of our porn experience was reading dad’s Playboys or finding your boy’s uncle’s secret stash under the mattress, now the internet is a pipeline to any type of sexual situation that one can imagine. There lies the problem. With readily available porn at ones figure tips, the lack of sexual discussion on a family and societal level can leave on with a faux perception of sex. Meaning that one can develop their sexual identity based not on their own sexual discovery, but on the only foundation of sex/sexuality they have, porn.

Black porn in particular can greatly skew this identity. Girls have a hard enough time dealing with body image and self identity due to mainstream media views, but porn makes it worse. In addition to feeling like she has to be a beautiful as Tyra, she also has to worry that her ass isn’t as fat Pinky’s or that she can’t deepthroat like Vanessa Del Rio. With no reinforcement at home she is left to emulate what is to societal norm. Men are not immune from this phenomenon either. Men learn that this is how sex happens, that there is a formula (Kissing + Cunnilingus) X (Fellatio + Penetration)= MONEY SHOT! Or he is left feeling inadequate because he isn’t hung like Mandingo, and that is what she thinks she wants.

With that said, there isn’t a woman alive that doesn’t want her man to blow her back out every now and again, nor an man that doesn’t like it when is woman is gets nasty in the bedroom, yet these should be aspects of one’s sex live and sexuality, not the norm. A healthy sex life should contain all of these things (in my opinion) : intimacy, sex, f@@ckin, & love making. Sex is simply the act of having sex, that is all that it is, and in normal relationships we all know that somethings its just sex. F@@kin is just what it is. You are trying to make the other person remember who the best it. Its simple about releasing that carnal/animalistic part of yourself with someone that you trust. Love making transcends them all. Making love is where you connect on not just physical level, but on a mental and spiritual one as well. Yet none of these would even transpire if intimacy was not first established.

In conclusion, porn is not the sole reason that the black family is being ruined, at least when is comes from a sexual/intimacy standpoint. Failing to address a very natural aspect of human existent by making it taboo, has only allows porn to become stronger and more influential. Only when we stop acting like sex doesn’t exist, will be be able to reclaim our own sexual identities, and healthy, normal, and orgasmic sex lives.

MBM

“Undeserving of love”

Haunting him in his dreams-

What he became… a monster that used love as a disguise.

Nightmares of a love that has been destroyed.

A good woman, battered and scorned by what once was a good man.

Twisted by lies and deceit-

He transformed into something that did not deserve love.

Yet she still loved him-

With her all and went through death for him.

Loving her…

He continued to chip away at her trust,

Understanding,

Forgiveness…

And faith.

He had no shame-

He gave all that he could…

And assumed that it would make up for what he had become.

It wasn’t enough!

He kept sliding… she grew impatient.

Ultimately he failed-

Secrets were revealed-

Love was dead.

Now he stands in the wind,

Knowing that he never deserved her.

His own mistakes distorted his view.

He hated her for no reason-

He should have hated himself!

Now love is no more-

Yet he still hurt.

He knows that he has lost her.

He is dead to her-

All the smiles,

Laughter-

And love is just a thing of the past.

No longer will she dream of being his wife.

No longer will she dream of having his child.

No longer will be dream of calling her wife.

No longer will he see her sweet smile-

Feel her sweet kiss-

Tell her that he loves her…and she believes him.

A love is dead!

He had done nothing to say that he loved her.

Yet his heart aches-

As he stands alone in the wind,

Undeserving of love.

MBM

Can you be love?

Can you be love?

Love is you…
Or should I say … I love you.
If love was you,
then it wouldn’t hurt so much to love you.
One has to keep faith- that you actually care.
Refusing to believe that you…
just aren’t where here.

If love was you-
No day would past where the heart would wonder…
If you truly wanted love.
No doubt about your intentions would be present in the soul.
Every eye would see- the love you have is overflowing…
Pouring out with every word-
in every action… with every sacrifice.
If you were love,
your very desire would be felt with just your fingertips-
like electric shocks flowing through the nervous system.
Acknowledging the desire that is felt for you.
Embracing it as the gift that it is…

Love is you- so one has been fooled to believe,
Love leaves no room for conditions!
Love is absolute and encompassing-
WHAT ARE YOU IF NOT LOVE?
For one has fallen deeply -
IN LOVE WITH YOU!
Yet you are not what one’s heart longed for.
Love is not you-
Can you become love…
before love leaves you-
never to return?

MBM

Why are you mad that I’m distant? This is the way you wanted it, isn’t it?

What I don’t understand is why you are complaining about me being distant? Are you know the one who “kicked” me out of the bed room months ago because you couldn’t sleep? Are you know the one who refuses to talk about my issues in our relationship, or to accept your own faults in the relationship? What desire do I or should I have to talk to you when you won’t talk about what’s wrong with me, or even do anything about it?

I wake up in the morning to your complaining. I come home to your complaining. I have never know a person to complain so much when they have so much to be thankful for. You are a spoiled, selfish, and ungrateful woman… well at least you are within our home. I understand that this latest round of unemployment has done a number on you, but all of this existed before then, so that is not an excuse. You ask me why I’m distant and why I don’t talk, yet I sat and talked to you about the state of our home. I talked to you about feeling like I’m doing it all by myself. I talked to you and told you that I needed help. I didn’t belittle you, call you names, or insult you. I didn’t say that you can at least keep the house clean since you are home all day. I didn’t say to you that “I work 3 jobs and still clean up what’s your excuse?” I asked you to help me.

Two weeks later, you have washed 2 loads of clothes and cooked one meal. That’s no progress, that’s not helping me. I stand behind you in pursuing your dream, but you push us and our home to the side every single day, then make excuses why nothing has changed. And you understand why I’m distant.

Why is it that you only hear what I say when I’m pissed off? You hear it when I’m nasty or acting like a jerk, but when I come to you civilly you ignore me? I don’t understand at all? I also don’t understand how you can talk about having a family when you haven’t touch me in 2yrs, nor have you expressed any desire for that to change? You wonder why I’m distant? You wonder why I don’t want to talk? Yet you don’t looks and what you and your choices have caused.

Don’t get mad at me because you made it this way. I constantly give you to tools to change it, but you haven’t and won’t take advantage of them. I love you, but your time is ticking away.

MBM

Love Never Dies

“Love Never Dies”

Thunderstorms cascade across the landscape of a heart-

A heart that is empty.

After pouring its contents in a vessel full of fear.

Too consumed by its own pain-

It is blind to the pain it was inflicting.

Hiding behind its own wall of sorrow-

It could not allow itself to peek around the corner,

To behold the light that it was destined for.

With tears pouring- flooding the plain of love,

Mighty hammers continue to strike- attempting to free its twin flame…

From its own imprisonment.

Pouring its all into illuminating that one from its darkness-

Imploring them to embrace the light.

Falling to one knee-

Drained from fighting… with patience on empty,

The one still calls out to its love…. imploring her to see the sunshine that is before her.

The hammer is swung one last time-

Every ounce of strength goes into the blow.

As the hammer strikes-

Love falls to its knees- not defeated,

Yet empty.

Remaining committed to destroy the wall-

But unable to raise its hand,

Love lies motionless- regaining its strength.

Always remembering that is patient and absolute.

Knowing that the wall will fall-

And that light will eventually push back the sorrow.

Unfortunately, today is not that day.

For the heart is defeated….

Loves Never Dies!

MBM

“IT”

“IT”

It ain’t the way…

You look in that dress.

How it hugs every curve…

Perfectly illustrating a living silhouette,

Of every man’s fantasy.

It ain’t the way…

You brighten up a room.

Using that angelic smile,

Quick wit…

To turn every frown – upside down.

It ain’t the way you kiss me.

The sweet infusion of your mocha lips-

Sends shivers down my very spine.

Sending me into a haze.

It is-

What you do when you say…

“I love You.”

How I light up inside…

My heart skips a beat.

It is…

Loving me for me.

MBM

Your Fix

“Your Fix”

Oh what a rush!!!!

Getting Your Fix…

Rocketing high off the euphoria.

Ignoring the world around you …

As you indulge is a fantasy.

Enveloping your very essence- deep within your soul,

Consuming your very senses,

Thoughts,

Your deepest desires.

Do you see that?

Getting lost in Your Fix… is destroying your reality.

The endorphin rush to your cortex ignores that which surrounds you –

Neglecting what needs you.

An undying love remains present-

As you continue to shoot up with Your Fix.

Do you smell that?

A heart finds you saturated in the stench of love’s back alley.

Picking you up from the latest stupor-

That Your Fix has caused.

Holding you… doing the best to protect you,

Wiping your tears-

Holding your hand-

When life knocks you down.

Yet you still fiend for that next hit.

Do you see?

This love is complete…

Yet the track marks on your arms-

Cry out …. For Your Fix.

The lasting memory of it-

Lingers in the very depths of your soul.

While this love is your reality-

You Fix is just a fantasy…

That you refuse to let go.

Do you hear that?

The sound of footsteps-

As this love walks out of the door.

Tired of competing with something that is not true.

Empty from pouring out the contents of the soul-

To Show, Prove… Give Love.

Your Fix… will never love you like this!

Just like an addict-

You say that you have kicked the habit… in an attempt to keep love,

But Your Fix remains there for you to indulge … at any moment.

You moan,

You cry…

Your reality exits!

Leaving only your fix!

Is sex really that important? The sexless marriage.

In my opinion, the most interesting aspect of being a married man is realizing how much your prospective changes. There are so many things that happen within the confines of a marriage.  Many issues that you wouldn’t  put up with or tolerate  it you were not married. Marriage can make you more resilient to the ills that life and relationships often throws at you. Unfortunately, its seems like now more and more husbands are have to become resilient to an increasing phenomenon of living within a sexless marriage.

Being a married man, I understand that many different things that affect a woman’s sex drive.  Stress and hormones are just a few of a myriad of reasons that can turn a woman’s sex drive from that of a Ferrari to that of a Pinto. Now most (if not all) of us would say that we did not marry her because of the sex, but the sex did hurt her petition for marriage either. However, the wedding vows do not ask you to love, honor, & cherish in sick, health, & celibacy till death do you part. Well I know mine didn’t say that.

Any married man understands that they aren’t going to get it every night. Hell most hope for at the very least once a week . We understand that some don’t want it all the time (well some of you), but why do some wives feel that their marriages will remain the same if sex is not part of the equation? In actuality lack of sex really isn’t about sex. If it was just about sex, then we (meaning us men) would just get some lotion and some porn and take care our sexual needs and go about our merry way. In reality sex is all about submission!

Ephesians 5:22-24 (NLV)

Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

Sorry to go all biblical, but with the very commitment of marriage you are submitting yourself to your partner. Think about it, the ultimate act of submission is giving yourself to another person completely. Not bending to their will, but giving yourself to them mind & body, heart & soul. Is that not what sex is? It is the ultimate way of giving yourself to someone physically, mentally, and spiritually. This submission in many ways breeds intimacy and trust in any relationship, especially in a marriage.

If sex can be all of this within a marriage, then why is it marginalized? Why does a wife think that she can not have sex with her husband for months and years and expect the marriage to remain the same? How can a relationship remain the same when you eliminate one of the main sources that produces the glue that holds a marriage together? Again any husband can understand why you have no sex drive, but why do many wives in that position not realize what it’s doing to their husbands? How do you think it feels to but unwanted by the one person in the world that you want the most? To have your hurt and pain ignored but the one person on Earth that is supposed to care the most?

Ladies, your husband wants you….he wants all of you. He doesn’t want half, he wants all! Do you not expect him to give his all in every aspect? Then why do some feel that they are exempt? When it comes down to, sex is an important part of any marriage. It you remove it, you are asking for problems. I’m not saying that he will cheat or divorce you, but don’t get upset when he becomes distant. When he stops sharing with you his thoughts and feelings like he used to don’t get mad. Remember you removed a very big part of the foundation of the intimacy of your marriage.

Ultimately, you get married with the expectation that the other person that says “I do” is just as committed to giving their all just as you are. When you decide to stop giving your all in any aspect especially sexually, you run the risk of eroding the very foundation of your marriage. Thus opening a door for the madness to start.

MBM